With The Legal Alien – Monthly Musings from an Englishman in LA
by Darren Darnborough
I’ve often heard that it’s impossible to date in LA, both prior to my arrival, and whilst living here. My auto-response is “Really?” especially when you factor in the details.
As a British guy in Hollywood, my accent has currency, and trust me, most of my USA prey can’t differentiate between James McAvoy, Prince William and Inbred Chav. There is also the sheer choice of eligibles, as hot young starlets worldwide flock here, to such excess it’s like being on a Beauty degree at an all-girl university. For the gay scene, the West Hollywood epicentre offers a plethora of unattached talent. People are generally attractive: naturally, falsely or through effort.
Twenty-something singles are everywhere (even if they aren’t – twenty, or single!) So, why Angelenos have romance troubles escaped me, until I discovered that they simply aren’t compatible with relationships. It’s a transient community, with most inhabitants arriving to escape the comfort zone, thriving on variety. Never satisfied or content, they have incredible ambition, always looking for promotions in their life, career, and equally relationship. What this gives birth to is very apparent dating types and strategies, even if the accused don’t realise it themselves
The Optimistic Upgrader will overlap relationships, always trading in for the newer, shinier, more expensive model; the goal being the elusive trillionaire celebrity. Genuinely happy with their current, they’re afraid to commit in case something better comes along. The Social & Career Climber predicts it will, and thus dates purely for personal success potential. They live their focus, allowing no downtime for dates that are just fun – it has to advance their career or propel them into the next echelon of social status. They wouldn’t dream of Facebook dating, but requests via A Small World are considered.
The Beneficiary dates for the success of the partner. They have no desire to achieve from the coupling, just to enjoy the fruits of their better half’s labour, living the high-life, and understandably fear the pre-nuptial lawyer. Lower in ranking, though equally unobtainable is the 2nd Jobber. Often an actor by day, they keep themselves free for auditions that they never get. Hence, they work nightly in a bar for sustenance, leaving no time to date.
The Incredibly Focused suffers similar time constraints, but self-inflicted, as they are simply too busy and successful, causing the likelihood of marrying their PA, strictly through familiarity. Lastly, we have the Variety Addicts, which is accurately summarised by my friend, an attractive, popular manager of a trendy Hollywood restaurant: “Why would I date the same girl twice? Every single year, they release a fresh bunch from high school!”
The British accent does open doors. It’s a conversation starter and girls will approach you because of it, but from that point forward it’s still tough. Humour falls on deaf ears, misunderstandings are rife, and attempt sarcasm at your own date-suicide risk. Management will not accept responsibility.
The British mind needs training to US dating etiquette too, which proves problematic if occasionally dipping into a little homegrown company. American girls expect prom-night behaviour of official invitation, organisation, picking up, opening doors, written consent for a kiss; whilst the Brit ladies seem to opt for the informal “hang-out-and-see-what-happens” approach. This often means that the UK girls get confused at whether they are actually on a date, or with a mate – a hot topic – that can simply be answered by a few factors: definition, intention, setting, frequency and previous encounters. If you’re attractive, it’s a cosy table for two, more than a weekly occurrence, he’s used the word “date”, and you weren’t friends before, it’s a DATE ladies.
But until that’s understood, us LA boys are destined to live a shallow Groundhog-Day eternity of the first-date restaurant/bar/movie circuit.
At least I still have that accent for ammunition.
Darren Darnborough is a British expat and journalist living in Los Angeles. www.DarrenD.co.uk
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