“There, I said it,
I won’t apologize to you any more,
I’m a grown ass man,
And I don’t give a damn,
I’m tired of Living in the shadows
There I said it.”
– Adam Lambert
Earlier this week I made a Facebook post regarding the nine women accusing Presidential nominee, Donald Trump of sexual assault, or at least sexual misconduct. This came suspiciously close to the leaked audio tape of him talking candidly with Billy Bush of Access Hollywood, where he talked about getting whatever you want by being a celebrity. The grotesque “Grab them by the p***y” was the most memorable quote, one that had the general public and a lot of women up in arms, and rightfully so. In his defense he did apologize for his comments, but in the same breath dismissed it as ‘locker-room’ talk. Then later, described by his wife, Melania as ‘Boytalk’ who also claimed Trumped was “egged-on” by Bush (insert your joke here)
What followed was a rush of women coming forward sharing their encounters with Mr. Trump, telling stories of gross misconduct, accusations of harassment, him forcing himself upon them and actual groping. Allegations made by Jessica Leeds and Rachel Crooks in The New York Times, Natasha Stoynoff in People, and Mindy McGillivray in The Palm Beach Post, and six others, came after Trump denied ever making unwanted advances when quizzed about it during the second presidential debate.
At one of his most recent rallies, he denied all claims and even brushed one off by saying: “Take a look,” he said. “You take a look, you look at her, look at her words, you tell me what you think. I don’t think so, I don’t think so.”
Nine women, all with very similar stories, (some even Republicans), not getting paid to share their stories, but merely sharing them because they think it’s the right thing to do. Now yes, we live in a country where accusations need proof (hopefully), and unfortunately will probably come down to a ‘he said/they said’ scenario. But I think what bothers me most is his macho-bravado attitude, his demagogic stance, reminiscent of a former leader of Germany not so long ago. He simply comes across as the honey badger who doesn’t give a tinker’s cuss what you think of him. After all, he’s invincible!
So it saddened me to see so many comments on social media shaming these women and dismissing their claims. As one person said, “They are just fame-hungry, gold-digging whores trying to f**k-up Donald’s chances of making this country great again, Killary is probably paying them all through her charity.”
Listen, everyone has a right to their opinions and this country has freedom of speech, which is one of the reasons it’s so great. I seriously wouldn’t want it any other way. And I am neithr judge, nor jury, nor executioner, and I believe in innocent until proven guilty. But here’s where I will speak up, as to why sexual assault victims may often wait years to tell their stories. And with a personal story I’ve never shared before.
For me it was 35 years ago. I was an eight-year-old boy when it first happened. I was too young to know the difference between right or wrong. It didn’t feel wrong and I won’t go into the gory details. But let’s just say it had a lasting impact on me, in my life and more very dark times were to follow. I’ll save all the details for a book I might write in years to come. I’m still not fully ready to share everything, it’s far too painful. But I will say I have brushed this under the rug for far too long, and hid it deep down in my subconscious. Most that know me, see a happy-go-lucky chappie with a great positive outlook on life. Or that’s how I like to see myself. I chose not to be a victim or allow these early incidents to have a long- lasting effect on me. Some may say I’m strong or brave. but the truth is these things happened and I can’t change that. Some aren’t as lucky as me, some had it much worse, some suffer life-long effects. And for those others out there I’m truly sorry. A lot of people have contacted me privately to share their stories. And it helps to know that we are not alone, that we can all be strong together.
So why I have never shared my story publicly or confronted my abuser? Because of one ugly word. SHAME.
Shame which produced all sorts of self doubt: like why did this happen to me? What will people think of me? I don’t want to look like a victim. I’m going to be embarrassed. I don’t want to make my parents feel bad that they couldn’t protect me. I don’t want sympathy. And what if no one believes me when I tell my story, anyway?
I’ve spent years dealing with what happened to me and healing myself. But I tell you, it never goes away, it sometimes keeps me up at night. Haunts my dreams. I’ve shed a lot of tears over the years, usually over alcohol-fueled nights. I’ve hated myself and had moments of self-loathing, I once tried to take my life. Slowly I began to tell a few trusted friends around me, which helped and I found very cathartic. I’ve learned over the years to forgive, but forgetting is the really, really hard part.
So I can relate as to why these women held their stories inside for so long – I was prepared to take this to my grave, my shameful little secret. So why am I choosing a public forum to tell you today? 35 years later. Perhaps by sharing it will help other victims feel less shame-filled and embarrassed. Perhaps because these women have given me the courage to tell my truth and remove the stigma. There should be no shame for us, the victims. But unfortunately the public can be very cruel and unkind. These women are now being harassed and slut-shamed and bullied by keyboard warriors, cyber-bullies, and are now in fear for their own lives.
So, when a person is a public figure and is running for the Oval Office, I ask myself why should he be able to think that what he does is okay. Why should we allow him to send a message to the next generation of boys that misogyny and utter disrespect for women is okay? That it’s okay to violate, bully, chide and goad others and then brag about it? To brush off their behavior as merely locker-room talk is simply deplorable.
So, yes, when someone else steps forward first, it helps give the others who feel abused or violated in some way the courage to also tell their stories. Victims of sexual assault are just that. The victims. Please don’t glorify his behavior by slut-shaming these women or making them out to be fame-hungry gold-diggers. Please show some respect for those who are the real victims here and perhaps think before you comment. And definitely think before you vote.
Who would you like to see as a role model for your children?
Have a good week!
Craig
#NoShame
